this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Two words: blizzard sex
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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