you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize