as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
