I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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