Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
This girl is more easily done than said...
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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