I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
