Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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