her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
