I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
