Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
