nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
