Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
