hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
