Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
