dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
