so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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