you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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