Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
