I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
