you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
