My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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