My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
