Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
