If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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