Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
