when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
