I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
