dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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