The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
