Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
