So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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