I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
