listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
