I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
