it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
