Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
