God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
