Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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