yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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