tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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