I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
