Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
