The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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