Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
operation have a gay friend backfired
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
