I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
