Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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