it wasn't lemon gatorade
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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