Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
