My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
