aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
