Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize