I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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