I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
