Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
