I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
