I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
