There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
