Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize