Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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