Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
