yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
how drunk are you?
Several
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
