A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
