You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
